I Hate Your Movie

Back in the days when I was working as a journalist and giving my opinions on movies, whether or not anyone actually listened, I was made to endure one of the worst films ever inflicted upon man.

Caffeine is one of those movies that is so bad you sort of wish it was a tangible being, so that you could cut it and hurt it and make it bleed profusely. A film that starts making you question humanity and how any part of it could have created something so wrong.

It was a faux-British comedy starring predominantly Americans murdering English accents. Every time Mena Suvari said 'ooh piss awff', like a retarded My Fair Lady, I wanted to rip off my ears, hunt her down and then force them down her throat.

It was set in a coffee shop where various 'quirky' and 'zany' characters indulged in various 'quirky' and 'zany' activities. I shan't bore you with the entire review but here are some snippets to give you an idea:

'Cheaply made and acted, Caffeine is thankfully destined to a life of anonymity'

'It’s early so I’m not going to say it’s the worst but Caffeine can proudly revel in the title of the most embarrassing film of the year'

In other words, I hated it. It made a non-impression at the one or two cinemas it was released in and I quickly forgot that it had ever even existed.

Then, a few months later, at a different job, I received an email from one of the cast-members. Not it wasn't Katherine Heigl, or Mena Suvari, or even Breckin fucking Meyer. It was Daz Crawford. Oh c'mon you know the guy who played Lighthammer in Blade II? Or 'Casino Thug' in The World is Not Enough?

Okay so yeah a nobody. But my caustic review of the film caused him to send me an incredibly angry email in response.

So here's a look:

My names Daz Crawford,

I was one of the cast in ‘Caffeine’ strangely enough you chose not to write my name in the article, not sure why because I am as ‘British’ as can be, born in Liverpool and lived in the UK all my life, until recently moving to the US. I would have thought you would have mentioned all the British actors in this movie as its hard enough for us ‘Brits’ to land an acting job in an American funded movie as it is. Also the writer is a Brit.

Hmmmm I wonder why I didn't mention you in my article. Maybe because your role is entiely insignificant (he plays a 'quirky' and 'zany' bad date of Katherine Heigl's character) and also why do I owe something to every other British person? In any review of a film, English or not, should I start by listing and congratulating every fellow countryman? 'Here's to the catering which really shows them yanks what we can do.'

I don’t mind criticism, in fact its how I learn, but your article is terrible, you must get your facts right before you decide to write your opinion, and I would like to say that again, ‘your opinion’ and yours only.

I quote:

"Caffeine" is about as appetizing as a pot of dishwater coffee (LA Times)

None of this is sexy or funny. Just head-scratchingly dumb (The Hollywood Reporter)

It's so boring that even a double-shot espresso isn't strong enough to keep your eyes open (filmcritic.com)

But ermm yeah it's totally just my opinion and no one else's.

This movie is a ‘C-O-M-E-D-Y’ it’s not meant to be ‘real’. Maybe it wasn’t funny to you; you are taking it way to seriously.

Really? A film with a gun-toting grandma, a man wearing a nappy, a guy shitting himself and someone who dresses up in his fiance's underwear is supposed to be a comedy. Wow, I guess this sophisticated brand of humour must have slipped past me...

I notice you are still at Uni, maybe at the age you are at it is difficult for you to be ‘open’ to different genre’s of movies, maybe you are the ‘action’ type guy. I would be interested to know what type of movies you do like.

Well firstly I wasn't at Uni and secondly just because I didn't like one shitty comedy, it doesn't mean that I must hate all films of that genre. His inability to take criticism was ridiculous. Did he repeat the same spiel to all other critics who equally loathed his movie? Do we all just not 'get' it?

I have performed in a few movies, all different characters, I saw this as a great opportunity to show some diversity which casting don’t normally give me the chance, being 6’5” and 16 stone, of course I work in action mostly, but not through choice.

I like how he explains that he has performed in a few movies but as different characters. What, so there hasn't been a Daz Crawford franchise just yet?

You say it was ‘bad acting’ can you be more specific?

The email started to feel like one of those horrible 'but why don't you like me?' discussions with an overly insecure bad date. Since he had already slammed my opinion and my status as a writer, I'm not quite sure why he cares for my definition of what 'bad acting' really is. I'm pretty certain he wouldn't enjoy hearing it.

You called me a ‘misogynistic idiot’ I don’t know what you were watching but in no way was my character a ‘woman hater’

I must have missed the extended cut of the film where characters actually existed as three-dimensional people, rather than laboured stereotypes. Plus, that was the one mention he actually got in the review so he should feel lucky.

He then finished it off with a link to his resume. If you'd like to take a look at the breathtaking wit of his performance in Caffeine check out 1:51 on this video:



I wasn't sure how to take the email. A rather large portion of me was pleased to have caused such great offence with something I had written. Despite him claiming my review was 'terrible', it had clearly struck a nerve. It also proved that at least one person, other than my mum, read my reviews.

I drafted a response but for some reason never got round to sending it. Okay so I didn't really wanna piss off an actual Gladiator (Diesel if anyone remembers) who could quite easily pulverise me in a fight but I also felt that Daz was somewhat entitled to critique me back. I guess I wanted to prevent an unstoppable back-and-forth of malice over a film as inconsequential as Caffeine.

Despite having written a number of scripts, I've never had anything produced so while I did have a right as a critic to give my opinion on the film, my 'position' in the film industry has always been semi-invisible.

If I were in his position, I would probably be equally enraged but then if you put yourself out there, especially in a film as deviously bad as Caffeine, you surely have to take the rough with the smooth.

I'm sure he's probably forgotten about the brief bout of anger my review caused but somewhere out there, I still kinda hope he truly does hate me. Just not in my vicinity of course...