Going Up To People In Bars

Having reached the middling age of 24, I've managed to feign a slight air of confidence in certain social situations. Even if this has resulted in just talking louder and making deliberately obnoxious statements for effect, it's still a far cry from my younger years.

Because in reality, I'm painfully awkward. My greasy curtained hair and spotty face which both plagued my youth were indicative of my social stature.

This is most apparent in the 'bar' situation. Surrounded by strangers and influenced by alcohol, I'm a barrel of nerves and mixed up words. With my friends I'm comfortable but when it comes to breaking down the wall to let others in, I falter.

You know those people who just befriend randoms? You'll ask them how they met their new friend and they'll say 'oh we just met one night out!' and they'll even go out by themselves, ending up with a whole new group of mates. I'm not one of those people.

The only time I'll willingly talk to a stranger in a bar is if they're sitting on my jacket. Maybe. This means that meeting new people, including potential future break-ups, is a challenge for me.

How do you start a conversation with a stranger? Anything I ever think of would make me seem like a possible serial killer. In my life, I have only ever employed one chat-up line. It was back in 2005. In New York. To a girl.

It ranks as one of the most depressingly awful lines ever to have left my mouth. A fellow nominee is me, at the age of 9, asking my Mum if she had still rented Housesitter mere minutes after she told us our Grandmother had died. That one gives me shivers still to this day.

So imagine if an incredibly drunk faux-straight guy came up to you in a New York bar, saying the following:

'Have you ever kissed a British guy? Do you wanna?'

What would you do? Other than projectile vomit in his stupid, cocky face? If you're a drunk college girl you'll annoyingly giggle and then kiss him which only serves to encourage his pathetic over-reliance on his accent overseas.

Quite what took over me that night, other than extreme amounts of alcohol, is unknown. My one moment in the spotlight is a fine reminder of why me, words and any form of spontaneous seduction are all uncomfortable bedfellows.

In recent weeks, a friend and I have tried to overcome our lack of natural confidence in bar situations by trying to go 'on the pull' (cue gagging sounds). It was more of an attempt to talk to people when out, other than the bar staff, and be more open to the idea of meeting someone new.

We met with mixed results to say the least. I found that while I was still unable to approach people of course, the ones who actually came and approached me proved that I wasn't really missing out on a great deal.

There was the 'jacket guy' whose entire shtick revolved around my jacket. Is that jacket made of leather? (It was paper-thin nylon) Can you wear that jacket inside-out? (No, you couldn't) My answers replicated the exasperation his bizarre line of questioning created within me.

Then there was the 'coke guy' who seemed unable to talk about anything other than cocaine. Do you have any coke? Do you know where I can get some coke? Do you wanna share some coke? I assured him that he was asking the wrong person. But on a separate note, why do people always approach me for drugs? I'm always the worst person to ask. I might have a spare paracetamol but that's it.

Anyway, all of this proved two things to me. The first was that I'm no more boring than any of these enigmatic 'other people' I romanticise from afar. The second was that while I'm not making much of an effort to get to know them, maybe I'm not missing out on too much.

These days, do people really meet in bars anymore? Excluding people who go out, looking to wake up to someone the day after. I don't think I know anyone who met their significant other at a bar anyway. It's tiring. I'd rather go out and drink and go home early and eat leftovers, than talk about how many siblings I have and what I'd really like to be doing with my life.

It reminds me of the 30 Rock episode where Liz and Jenna go to a club. A guy attempts to make a move on Liz but she's totally unaware.

'I think that guy wanted to buy you a drink'

'But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me some mozzarella sticks instead?'

People always say that you find love when you'll least expect it, which I've always found to be a face-smashingly vague comment. If it's true then I shouldn't worry too much about talking to guys in bars, a predictable place if ever there were one. I should spend more time talking to guys doing their recycling or cleaning dog shit off the street. No one'll see it coming then.