Worst Date Topics 1

Do dogs have souls?

On a particularly mind-numbing first (and last) date, I was treated to a tiresome amount of dog-related discussion. I can't quite remember how it came up but I can remember that it came at a 'Point of No Return' AKA after I had made my mind up that I would choose water torture over ever seeing this one again.

I like animals. Sometimes. But I'm also aware of their limitations. I realised this again while watching Marley & Me a few weeks back. As Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston collectively masturbated over their destructive, dirty animal and praised him for how much he had brought the family together, I had a pleasing image. I saw one of their young children coated in gravy and the dog viciously ripping them apart, limb from limb.

My point being that, at the end of the day, an animal is just an animal. They're perfectly happy not to wear that new jumper you forced them into or to miss out on your sister's wedding.

The date in question started bringing up his dog. It was actually once owned by his ex and desperately needed a home once it had been booted out. His ex was quite the villain. I always find that talking about your ex is a fantastic ice-breaker for a first date. Right next to talking about your parent's abusive relationship or reminiscing about the time you caught salmonella.

Anyway, his parents took in this dog but he had like 'serious emotional problems' which meant that the date would always recognise and worry about his dramatic mood swings. He asked me if I thought dogs had souls. While I'm usually a believer in trusting my first impulse, I decided to ignore it this one time. Stabbing him in the eye with a fork might not have been the best reaction. Instead I mumbled a diplomatic reply.

He was by far the wettest person I had ever had the misfortune to meet. He would have made Orlando Bloom seem like a construction worker, just let out of prison for raping and murdering his entire family.

Since 99% of my conversation revolves around finding the humour in something I was starved. The only way to find the humour in dogs and their souls was to mercilessly rip the idea to shreds but I was worried he might cry. Plus every sarcastic comment I had made throughout the night had been taken in total seriousness. This was a problem. He might as well have had pencil sharpeners for ears and smelt like rotting flesh. This was never going to work.

The date limped to an end after only 90 minutes or so of torture. As we quickly hurried away from each other onto our respective trains, my mind produced all of the sarcastic remarks that had been forbidden before. All of the paedophile jokes I usually use to impress a first date.

Do dogs have souls? In a word, no. If the 'emotionally challenged' dog had been in possession of a soul he would have known that the only way to save it from eternal damnation was to eviscerate the simpering wreck that was my date, thereby preventing the severe waste of time that was that night.

Pet-talk is down as a no-no for first dates. Unless the story revolves around a cat fighting a hamster to the death or an anecdote about accidentally murdering a pony. It's just not a subject I consider that serious so I can't be relied upon to listen, without pulling a face. On the plus-side it's a good way of writing someone off in the early stages.

I'd much rather go with this timing. Imagine having just moved into your first house together, you settle into your new bed for the first time and your partner looks into your eyes and asks 'Do you think dogs have souls?' Utter, uncontrollable despair.