Unhealthy Competition

Somewhere near the top of my list of negative qualities lies my horribly competitive streak.

An old 'foe' of mine at film school once claimed that my willingness to accept and name all of my foibles made me arrogant. This led to a long, drunken argument and even to this day I'm not quite sure how self-awareness leads to arrogance.

Anyway, my intense passion for games and for winning in general has made me unsociable in certain circumstances, to say the least. Thinking far back to middle school it banned me from playing hockey for a short period after I accidentally 'tapped' an opponent with my hockey stick. Her fault though for getting in my way.

It made me insufferable on sports day. I may have been picked last but I was determined not to come last. For anyone who was near me, any possible shred of fun or enjoyment that could be gained from 'taking part' would be eradicated by my merciless desire to triumph. If I was shotputting and a one-legged cancer-ridden child was in my way, I wouldn't tremble.

This didn't make me any more skilled though. I was still utterly hopeless at most sports. I remember my first sports day at high school, the PE teacher kept giving me a patronising arm around the shoulders for every sport I completed. As if I was Forrest Gump, finally walking straight.

I won three awards throughout school, all with varying levels of shitness. The first took place when I was around 11. It was district athletics time. There was one category no one had yet been chosen for. Fast-walking. An impromptu 'race' was organised to see who would qualify. If your feet were off the ground at the same time, you were out. Since, everyone else was disqualified, I made the cut.

Somewhat proud that I would soon be part of the district athletics event, I decided to not focus on the event which was taking me there. I also decided to ignore the advice of my PE teacher who showed me how to move my hips to perfect the ideal fast-walk. I knew at once that this move would get me killed.

At the district athletics, the laws of disqualification meant that I made it through to county. When it got to county I came away with a silver medal. Okay so there were only two of us guys in the race but it was still quite an achievement. Plus the good thing about the fast-walk is you can share a nice conversation as you're making your way around.

The second, was as I left middle school. It was for possessing '4 C's' - care, consideration and two others I can never remember. In other words it was pretty much the gayyest award out there. Looking back, winning an award for being a nice guy seems rather ironic.

The third came at the end of my first year of high school, a period where I was still trying to desperately impress my new classmates, with little success. Winning an award for 100% attendance didn't help. It confirmed the suspicions of most that I was just the loser they feared I was.

Nowadays when it comes to unleashing my competitive streak, I tend to stick to what I know. A game of Poker or Cluedo is enough to turn me into a cursing, red-faced train-wreck. The problem isn't just that I get angry if I lose, I also get horribly smug if I win. It means that my opponents usually end up creating an alliance, promising that above all else, I absolutely cannot be crowned the winner.

I recently got a Wii which has brought out my nasty side, yet again. My housemate claims she has never seen me so angry during a recent game of Mario Kart while her boyfriend thought I was genuinely pissed off as I swore at him throughout another race. Its one of my characteristics that I find absolutely impossible to quell. Like my greed for food or my hate of morbid obesity.

My ex used to hate games which I found almost impossible to compute. It meant the one time I forced him to play cards with me and then won, I had absolutely no pleasure to derive from my victory. He couldn't have cared less either way. My smug remarks did nothing to anger him. Even when I brought his mum into it.

But I usually surround myself with others who take a game of Rummy 'very seriously' and who are not adverse to violence, if needed, during a game of Connect 4. My competitive streak is welcomed within these quarter and allows me to take great pride in winning.

I guess my awareness of such a negative quality plus my total lack of willingness to change does make me sound kind of arrogant. Maybe my 'foe' was right. Still though, even acknowledging this won't prevent me from not caring about a win or a loss. Deep down, everyone cares.

Even though my collection of awards is hardly anything to brag about I'll still proudly hail myself as a considerate fast-walker who will always show up. There are worse things to call yourself.