Shut Up

I wouldn't call myself an overly private person (I am writing a blog after all) but I still like to keep to myself in some respects.

For example, in public, to those who don't know me, I'm happy to blend into the background. If my fellow tube passengers know nothing about my personal life then perfect. This is why I'm always amazed by how obnoxiously loud and open strangers can be.

I feel as if I know far more about random people I've shared bus journeys with than close friends.

See, I tend to reject calls I receive when I'm on buses or trains as I hate being 'that guy'. You know, the guy who is HAVING A PHONE CALL and talking about REALLY COOL THINGS just in case anyone happens not to be deaf.

It's usually the guy who is going to the most AMAZING party that night with the FITTEST girl around and we're all expected to simply die with jealousy at his exciting life. But if by chance we happen to look over or make any sign that we are listening, the loudspeaker will berate how nosey we all is.

It's not even a case of eavesdropping. When someone talks so loud that it starts to threaten my mental state, I can't help but listen by default.

It isn't just phone conversations either. People have the most intimate discussions or arguments with one another at the highest volumes when everyone around can hear. I've been raised to keep such matters close to my chest. Growing up, I wasn't even allowed to chew gum in public as my mum worried it made me look common on the street.

Due to others seemingly lax rules on privacy, I have heard some fascinating nuggets while walking or travelling around...

'I mean it was the first time she'd ever had heterosexual sex before!'

'But that's what I love about you Jerry! I love that you're comfortable with your body and open with your sexuality!'

'Then I just threw her out of the fucking cab when I was done!'

I sometimes wish I'd thought ahead and wrote these profound statements down as they occur but then no one likes a smug guy chuckling into his notepad.

I guess it's a problem with volume control. I don't generally have a very loud voice and tend to surround myself with others who are similar. So when that group of students start talking about how like totally WASTED they were last night on the bus, I'll usually have a companion who I can turn to and share an 'I wish they'd shut the fuck up' eye-roll with.

I also think it's a way of seeking attention. A friend of mine came to visit me when I was living back in New York and I took her to a vintage shop in the village that I would often frequent. As we were looking around, the woman behind the till was having a VERY LOUD conversation on the phone. It went something like this:

'Yeah like LINDSAY LOHAN was in here yesterday and she bought LOADS of DRESSES like totally'

We were the only potential customers in the store at the time and after we left we convinced ourselves that this conversation probably took place at least 50 times a day, or depending on how many people came in.

She would see someone head for the entrance and pick up the phone, repeating the Lohan story in order to impress the poor deafened shopper. Lindsay Lohan had probably never even set foot in there.

I also admit that it's my own insistence on being so invisible in public that affects my feelings on others being so loud. When I'm safely seated, I always enjoy watching someone run for the bus. Every now and then you'll see a real sprinter who will make a dash for it and then dramatically bang on the door as the bus is departing, shouting at the driver.

Me, I might walk a bit faster and if I miss it, I'll usually sigh perhaps or awkwardly check the time on my phone to show any observers that I kind of needed to get that bus.

I think most people fall into one of those two categories.

I'm happy to be in category 2. I'm happy to be involved in non name-dropping conversations at inoffensive volumes. I'm happy to attend parties and not be called a 'bit of a character'.

Because these 'characters' tend to also fit into another easily defined group: 'cunts'.