Size Doesn't Matter

When I was around 4 or 5, I had my first brutal encounter with the animal kingdom.

It was a warm Summer's day and I was exploring the garden. This was a time in my life when the garden was large enough to merit the word explore (these days didn't last long). I met a wasp, a creature I wasn't familiar with, and did what any courteous, naive boy would do. I introduced myself and asked if the wasp would like to play.

I was of course immediately stung, both physically and emotionally by the wasp. The red bump on my arm, a bright reminder of the harsh refusal of my kind offer. From this moment on, I knew that I should be far less trusting.

Animals exist in the world by our side rather than the other way around. We are the ones who believe we are in the position of power due to our intelligence and quite often our size. But there seems to be a revolt occurring...

I've long thought that many pets simply put up with us rather than 'enjoy' our companionship. It's only because of their size that many of them don't kill us. Many times my cat, when offered my hand, would grab it and then hopelessly try to engulf my wrist into it's mouth. Dogs have started to work out that we're not as impossible to eat as we may seem. Remember the wave of 'Dog eats baby' stories that swept the nation a few years back?

My interest in this bizarre conspiracy theory was peaked by an intriguing story I saw today in The London Paper...

A small mouse was thrown into a cage to be duly eaten by a viper but turned the tables on it's killer. The vicious 30 minute battle left the snake dead and the mouse totally unscathed.

This shouldn't be happening.

Smaller animals are gaining in confidence at a rapid rate. I remember squirrels being generally terrified of humans. As a kid I was desperate to stroke one but they were equally desperate to get the hell away from me. Nowadays things are very different. Recently I had to side-step two of them having a fight in the middle of the park while (on a much more frightening level) a gang of them set about gutting a dog in Russia back in 2005.

The story (one of my all-time favourites) told of a pack who were starved by a 'lack of pine-cones' so teamed up and attacked a stray dog. In the article, available on the BBC website, a local told of another event where a gang of chipmunks 'terrorised' local cats.

I'm not the only one to have noticed this. A new Hollywood disaster movie, so far titled 'Animals', takes a look at what would happen if animals turned on humans. I'm sure we can expect a sexy veterinarian, probably played by Hayden Panettiere, teaming up with a rugged farmer, probably played by Zac Efron (with stubble), to solve the mystery. I can see the opening scene now, as a school-bus is set upon by a gang of bloodthirsty raccoons.

I'm currently living with two house rabbits who are alarmingly subtle in their demeanour. Unlike cats or dogs who clearly show anger or pleasure, rabbits give away nothing. They show no emotion. Behind the eyes it's impossible to see what's going on. In other words, they're the perfect terrorist.

We're safe for now (at least if we keep out of Russia anyway) but we need to be prepared. 19 years ago I was perfectly happy to negotiate. Now, I know better...