How I Might End Up Ruining My Best Friend's Wedding

The first of my close school-friends is getting married this December and earlier this year I was asked to do a reading of my choice in the service.

Quite why I have been picked is rather inexplicable to me. I am one of the least proficient public speakers in the Western world, and when I say public speakers I don't mean speaking at a public event, I mean literally speaking in public. I also don't mean this in a charming, foppish, Hugh Grant sort of way but in an awkward, stuttering, nerdy way.

I'm useless at speaking on some days. I mix up words frequently. I'll be in Tesco, taking my change off the monosyllabic inbred behind the till and I'll end with a 'Chanks' or a 'Theers' - it's one of the many reasons I choose to use the self-service option.

Some phrases consistently prove too problematic for me so I will try my hardest to avoid using them. Film titles with more than three words usually do it. In company, I rarely pronounce Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Sex and the City without someone responding with total confusion. So I'll use the initials as if it's totally normal to. 'Oh so have you heard that they're remaking TMNT and doing a sequel to SATC?'

The thought of me trying to make it through a poem in front of an audience is challenging to say the least. The trick for me is not to rush it. I speak way too fast. But then I worry if I slow it down too much, it will sound like a sermon and people will get even more bored of me. I also worry about my nerves. This day is incredibly important to my friend and if I ruin the reading it will always be 'Oh and do you remember when Ben did that awful reading - yeah that was the low-point of the most defining day of my life.'

I still haven't even picked what I'm going to read. I'm a Philistine when it comes to poetry. But then I also don't want to pick anything anyone has ever heard of. I found a Czech poem in a dusty old book recently that was perfect, at least with it's heritage. What better than a poem by an author that no one can pronounce? But I showed it to my friends and received a slightly apathetic response.

I'm aiming for the moment in In Her Shoes when Cameron Diaz reads at her sister, Toni Collette's, wedding and invokes tears from pretty much everyone. I want it to look like a funeral when I'm done. If there's anyone not crying, I'll hurt them until their eyes naturally water.

I think perhaps I need to practice speaking like a normal human being first before I start to worry about the after-effects of my reading. Even if the poem is incredibly moving, the audience will need to actually hear the words before they have any form of reaction. My nightmare is that everyone will have this confused, 'what did he just say?' look and no one will ever mention it again.

My friends have an alarming confidence in me and my ability to pull it off last minute but then this is also counter-acted by a sly smile whenever the topic of me reading at a wedding is brought up. Maybe they're instilling me with fake bravado to ensure I don't puss out. To ensure that I will be providing them with a moment of amusement to recall at future weddings.

Or maybe it will actually be fine. Maybe I will carve out a niche as a skilled wedding speaker. Maybe this will be the first of many readings I am handed. I think I should start off by focusing on the small things first. No more self-service at Tesco. No more initials for those tough to pronounce film titles. Next time I go shopping this is what I need to say...

'Hello there, may I ask if you sell Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Sex and the City? Thanks and Cheers for your help!'

Once I've done that, I'll be half-way there...